Today’s post will examine something at the core of our interactions with one another: requests for each others’ time and attention.
I encourage you to be more intentional with those requests and choose wisely how you spend your time and where you focus your attention.
Hint: saying “yes” to reading this post may serve you elsewhere in life!
What is Thy Bidding?
When was the last time you were asked to do something you weren’t thrilled about?
No, I don’t mean being asked to wash the dishes or change a diaper (more on that later).I’m talking about being asked to do things like working more in your clinical role (more hours, shifts, call obligations, charting, etc.; whether for more pay or not), overseeing a new work committee, taking on a new research project, or giving a presentation.
What did you decide? What response did you give?
If you ended up accepting the new responsibility, how did you feel about it? Excited? Thrilled even?
Or was it more, “meh?” Dismayed? Resentful? Perhaps, overwhelmed?
If you felt more the latter than the former, then you probably should have declined the request.
You’re Not a Genie
You’re a witch!
Don’t worry, I know you’re not. Despite how your vast knowledge of science and healing and/or procedural skills may make you seem, you have no powers of sorcery.
Getting back on track–what do I mean that you’re not a genie?
I mean It’s not your job to fulfill others’ wishes; their wishes are not your commands.
No matter what you think, you’re not required to do things that don’t fill your own cup or take you away from being able to fill your own cup.
Every time you say “yes” to a request, you’re saying “no” to something else. And chances are that those “no’s” are directed towards things in your life you value most, or at least say you value most.
Every request for you to do something is a request for your time and attention. You have to be deliberate in where you channel your time and attention because there are too many ways to get sidetracked, and thus, not make progress on what truly matters.
Heeding The Call, To Our Own Detriment
Examples of saying “yes” are apparent at all levels of our training, so let’s take a quick look at how it shows up.
1. Med students. They are pretty much expected to say “yes” to anything asked by anyone, even if complete scutwork and unrelated to medicine. Examples include wheeling patients down to Radiology or taking food orders for the team. Much of the dysfunction in healthcare (like everyone else on the team being spread overly thin) relies on the goodwill of trainees. Remember they (we) pay in the hundreds of thousands of dollars for our medical education.
2. Residents. Similar to above, but in different capacities (not surprisingly): expected to say “yes” to attending request (how many terrible admissions could you not push back on?), violating duty hours, or every research project floated before them. Regarding this last example, I was literally told as a resident that this is the process–say yes to everyone above you to get noticed, and then later you maybe can do what you actually want. Spoiler alert: I didn’t do that.
3. Attendings. Helping with manuscripts, joining committees, leading QI projects, taking over med student classes. Always being asked to do more with less. Patients who want to be added on, etc.
With attendings, I’ve seen this issue cut across every practice type/setup and across specialties just having witnessed friends and mentors as well as coaching clients.
For example, in my experience, those of you in academics hoping to achieve full professorship feel a great deal of pressure to accept these duties that do not align with your overall goals.
You hope or expect that accepting these duties will advance your career along the trajectory you have set in motion for yourself.
This is what I imagine professorship looks like. If so, totes worth it!
But what if the time commitment to which you just agreed limits your ability to pursue an opportunity that truly aligns with your mission and vision or actually catapults you further along that trajectory?
What if that pulls you away from family time or other time you want to prioritize? More on these questions next week.
A Brief Note
This doesn’t just apply to external requests. Think of urges too.
When you feel the urge to scroll on social media, like FaceBook, you are saying “yes” to the urge and saying “no” to whatever else you were supposed to get done during that time. I wrote a post a while back on urges.
Why We Say "Yes"
Every hesitant “yes” is a relinquishment of a small parcel of our power. It’s subrogating our needs with those of others. We disrespect ourselves by making choices that don’t support us.
So why do we unabashedly respond in the affirmative to things that we don’t want to do? There are several reasons I’ll touch on briefly.
First, we feel we have an obligation, be it to our patients, others on our care team, or even society at large. This quality hitches a ride with our noble aim of pursuing a career in medicine and then overstays its welcome.
Second, saying “no” can feel selfish. We are a social species and our interactions with one another underpin our entire modern existence. Any potential tension between us, such as that that may arise with a “no,” can lead to avoidance of such situations, as can be done with the seemingly more socially acceptable “yes.”
Similarly, we do not want to seem like we are not team players. That may reflect negatively on us.
Furthermore, many of us are prone to people pleasing, in which we have an emotional need to make or keep others happy at our own expense. Saying “yes” to others is obviously more likely to engender happiness in others. People pleasing is a form of buffering.
And finally, many people, physicians included, feel a compulsion for overcommitting and always being “busy.” In modern society, busyness is often viewed as a badge of honor since it’s associated with productivity. Hint: the actual result is often the complete opposite.
Make "No" Your M.O.
Unfortunately, if we say “yes” to all of these outside requests, something else has to give. And as mentioned before, that tends to be our health, family, hobbies, and wellbeing.
Stop ignoring what your heart, gut, or mind (I realize this may be specialty specific 😉) is telling you!
I’ve previously made the case that we need to stop doing things just because it’s the way it’s always been done.
It’s important to take stock of where you are in life as well as map out your short- and long-term goals. Do this for all aspects of your life, not just your career aspirations.
After all, you’re not solely defined by your career. If you are, what would happen if your career were to fall through?
Where did you go, Brendan!?
You may find the post and worksheet on mapping out your life helpful towards this end.
Now anything that does not move you forward on any of these goals should be a “no.”
All you have to say is “no.”
Practice with me: “No.”
The best part? It’s a complete sentence!
It’s not required but it’s always nice to add a little context to your answer, but don’t feel like you owe anyone an explanation.
A simple “I don’t have time for this request” is more than enough. Maybe it won’t work for your family, and you can say that.
Be sure not to keep over-justifying to the point that you make a round trip and accidentally then acquiesce!
Have a "Hell Yes" Policy
So what should you say “yes” to?
Author and marketing expert Seth Godin has counseled many businesses and individuals on the idea of a “Hell Yes” policy. Sometimes “hell” is replaced with more of a choice word. That starts with “f.” You get the idea.
The premise of this policy is simple: if when you first hear a request, your heart and soul light up and your response is “hell yes!” then that is something you should do.
Those things that light you up should be the things on which you’d like to focus your time and efforts. They should align with your values. They should be things you want to prioritize right now.
There may be something you want to do but doesn’t fit in your life currently, and it’s okay to take a raincheck. There will likely be another opportunity at a more appropriate phase in your life.
Everything else is a “no.” Even those things where you’re thinking it might be nice to do or where you could be of help should be a “no” if they’re at all a burden (and most things are).
We try to rationalize our way to “yes” for the reasons listed two sections up. So try to make an immediate decision if possible.
Remember:
- MD = make decisions
- DO = do
- MBBS = (I have no idea, but you can come up with some action oriented acronym for this)
What Can "No" Do For You?
So stop saying “yes” to something only to wonder what you’re saying “no” to somewhere else.
Instead, say “no” to most things so you can focus your “yes’s” more deliberately on that which matters most to you.
Now get out there and say “No!”
Thanks for saying “yes” to this post–I hope you found it helpful! Let me know in the comments below what you thought!
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